WHAT'S IN IT
FOR ME ?
A true story by General Deborah
Crystal, who had once been beautiful, full of life, was now a messed over heap, sores and abscesses covered her arms, a carcass barely breathing. Crystal had lived by her own motto, and she had always asked, "what's in it for me?" In every situation, Crystal had looked out for Crystal, and now obviously she had lost, by her own greed, by her own lusts, by her own foolish choices, her choice of "what's in it for me? had led her down to destruction.
Crystal had not always been as she was, for several years ago, she had lived with a family, who
had taken her in and given her as much love as any girl could want, but it wasn't love she wanted,
for even then, she had always calculated in accordance with, "what was in it for Crystal". Crystal
left the family on bad terms because she only took and never gave and when the family would
politely ask anything of her, she would find a lying excuse why she could not give it. Even down
to the simplest things, like doing her share of work or doing something to benefit others, Crystal
could never cooperate with such things because she was busy with her own way and her ownself.
So, finally she threw a big fit and stormed out of the family s house projecting the image that she
would have to take to the streets, because no one cherished nor loved her, heaping guilt upon the
family to justify her own selfish actions.
But, Crystal did not take to the streets, she took to the male friend she had already set up to take
care of her. He was an older man with a wife and a reputation, what he wanted with Crystal is a
mystery, perhaps it was his age, or his career achievements, who knows. In any case, he became
Crystal's sugar daddy and he paid for her to have a nice apartment with all of the trimmings, of
course, he decked Crystal out in nice, fancy clothes, and he thought he had it made. Crystal kept
him as the fool, for he paid her bills and she did what she wanted when he was not around. Since
Crystal did not have to work, she began hanging around places where she met other men who
were of a different caliber. They were not middle aged chumps looking for a thrill, but younger,
more violent men who used and abused. Crystal knew she was playing with a rougher crowd, but
again, she figured from her perspective of, "what's in it for me?", and she took the leap.
Now, Crystal did not immediately leave her apartment nor her chump, but she played both
worlds, and she began playing too hard, and before she knew it, she had a good sized drug habit.
Some of the boys were playing too rough and they messed her up, and when her middle aged
sugar daddy came, his little girl was bruised and battered. or course, he did not like her stories
which were all lies, and he asked her too many questions. After he was gone, Crystal decided
there wasn't anything in it for her to stay, so she took off from her cozy set up and hit the streets.
By this time, hardness had really taken over in her selfish heart and she played the game rough,
but then again she had to because she had a drug problem and mean boys supplying her. For a few
years, Crystal lived like this, always looking out for number one, then one day, she found out she
was pregnant, but that didn't bother her too much because she would just mellow out and have
But, mellowing was more than Crystal could handle and she could not stay away from the
addictive lifestyle. She found herself hustling even as her pregnancy increased and even though
the clinic doctor cautioned Crystal that the baby would be born addicted, what could she care?
She was looking to see what she could get out of the deal, maybe she could land some childless
couple who would pay her real good for the baby and everything else. So again she calculated
what was in it for her and she made some contacts to see if anyone would meet her conditions for
the baby. She didn't have any control by this time and it didn't matter to her if the baby came out
addicted if she sold it to some rich people let them pay for the problem! Besides if they didn't like
it let them have their own baby!
Once in a while Crystal would think about the baby and wonder what it would be she thought to
herself if it were a girl she would name it Sarina and if it were a boy she would name him Bruce.
But then it really didn't matter because she was going to get rid of the pest and get herself some
money out of the deal. She located a couple who were willing to shut their eyes to a lot of
realities in order to have a baby of their own and so the deal was made. Of course nothing could
stop Crystal from using and the baby was born addicted. But she didn't care because she had her
own habit to worry with. So she collected her revenues and the couple got a bigger medical bill
than they had bargained for but she didn't care because she had to see only what was in it for her!
The baby was a girl and they didn't name her Sarina but Crystal didn't t care at that point.
She took back to her lowdown life and sometimes she would hurt for her arms longed to hold
Sarina. But there wasn't anything in it for her to do that, so she would just use more drugs to
numb the pain. Things went from bad to worse in her life, but she couldn't change that. Crystal
had broken all of her relationships because she was selfish, and she always had to look out for
herself and herself alone, she couldn't waste time on others, but she had to look for her way, and
her way was headed down.
One day, she saw the middle aged sugar daddy from across the street, but he didn't recognize her
and she was glad it was that way because she didn't owe him anything. Little did Crystal realize
that the girl who had been kept in the apartment was not the haggard woman walking the streets.
But within her own mind, she was still young and beautiful as when sugar daddy had first fallen
She had joined the ranks of the living dead, those who were dying from their addictions but could
not stop nor help themselves. Everyday, you would see her, rain or shine, doing the same dirty
lob for the same dirty money to pay for her master--her habit. Sarina was only a dim memory and
the family who had loved her were buried deep down in the crevices of her heart which was as
hard as the city streets she pounded day in and day out. Crystal had looked out for Crystal,
choosing whatever she thought would put her first, and now she was last.
But then again, takers end up losing, and givers end up gaining when all of the points have been
scored. Crystal's score was catching up with her, and she had no one at all to turn to. One day,
she walked into the clinic where they took in the mentally ill, and she slumped down in the
chipped metal chair in the corner of the dirty room. She had nothing to cling to, hope was gone,
her mind was empty. Crystal, the queen who had only considered herself, had ended up being her
own worst enemy. Always taking, never giving, caring only for her ownself, she had lost. She
was washed up at age twenty seven and she looked forty five and no one cared. Her mind was
burned out, her health was gone, she had no friends or family. Even those who had gotten her
started using, they had turned aside from her and refused her pleas, for she stole, she lied, she
double crossed and she connived, she did every dirty deed she could do, and always she told
herself she had to see what was in it for her. Each time she hurt someone, she was okay in her
eyes because she had to look out for herself alone.
They took her into the ward because she was a hazard to herself and others. For days, she laid in
the bed, in the balances, not dead yet barely alive. Finally, she began to gain strength but her mind
was still in an outer dimension between sane and insane and she didn't connect with where she
was or what she was. But there was a nurse who watched her day by day and prayed for the poor
lost wretch. And, the God of heaven who is tender in mercies looked down on the girl who had
given her to satisfy herself, only to find It couldn't be done. So, the nurse began to talk to this
vacant eyed woman about Jesus and share his love to her vacant space. The more the nurse told
her of His love, the more her hard heart felt the tuggings and the upthrustings of divine love
breaking through the rock hard exterior.
One day, the nurse led her to Jesus and she was filled to overflowing and vacant eyes filled with
love that was purely holy and divine. The transformation was short of a miracle and she regained
her strength rapidly, but her thoughts changed and she no longer asked, " what's in it for me?",
but the cry of her heart and the longing of her life was toward the savior that had set her free. Her
prayer day to day was to ask Him who she loved, " what can I do for thee?" She loved Him so
fully with all of the love that had been kept out of her heart, she obeyed Him, she followed Him,
and served Him with all her being.
Her beauty was returned, but deeper and richer than in her youth. Her face does shine, and she is a wonder to behold, she works day and night, she thinks not of herself but only what she can do for others. She has given her life, to help with babies and children whose parents do not want them. And every time she holds a tiny little girl, she remembers Sarina who she never wanted to hold. And she prays all the more for her baby, for all the babies, and children likewise who are so needy of love. She knows He has filled the pain of her empty arms and she continues to love, and to give, and to love some more, always looking for what she can do for others to give them a taste of the love He's given her.